Truth.
In recent weeks I have spent my morning meditation in the Psalms. Also, at times I pause during the mid day hour to pray through a psalm or two. Initially I assumed this would be a rather simple practice. After all, a healthy percentage of the most quoted scriptures in christiandom are found in the psalms. The psalms are poetic, lyrical and somewhat bite size in length. Through the years I have read through this portion of the bible many times, however in recent weeks I have noticed a new layer that seems to have escaped me in prior readings…
Many of the psalms are either full of, or include within them, a significant amount of whining, complaining, crying, pleading, anger, frustration, vengeance, violence, disappointment, fear, doubts, sorrow, confusion and questions. Certainly there is praise, splendor, hope, joy, beauty, love and passion as well. For the bulk of my life I moved quickly past the not so uplifting content and set my focus on the majesty, adoration, belief, confidence and declaration of the grandeur of our God. In doing so I made a mistake, a common mistake in our Americanized faith.
In our present day ideas of faith, to question God, express doubt, be angry, admit fear, complain, or be disappointed are often viewed as disqualifiers of God’s favor. Granted, I firmly believe in being positive, hopeful and slow to anger as the more excellent way. Yet I see David and the coined phrase “he was a man after God’s own heart” as somewhat incongruent with many of his gut level expressions in the psalms. How can he “be a man after God’s heart” and hope for violence against his enemies, or question God’s attentiveness?
Truth.
If God knows what we need before we even ask, it is safe to assume he also knows what we are truly feeling whether we say it or not. It seems, while it is clear David’s sin was heartbreaking to the Lord, his truthful language was not necessarily offensive. In light of the psalms, reflection on my life of prayer revealed a lack of honesty and sincerity. I discovered I spent a lot of my time talking to the Lord trying to convince him my motives were right, or that I wasn’t really angry, or I wasn’t disappointed in the way thing turned out, or that I had no doubt. It seems foolish now, to believe I can shape the narrative to God…omniscient God. Why was I doing this? What was the root of me having somewhat disingenuous conversations with the one who knows me in all ways?
Fear.
In retrospect, a good percentage of my prayer life through the years has been rooted more in fear than faith. Sure, I could phrase my words in such away that to the human listener it would be reasonable to assume I was bold and full of faith. But the undercurrent was ever present. What was my fear? Fear the Lord wouldn’t help me if I didn’t verbalize things correctly…Fear the Lord would not receive me or accept me because of the real things going on inside me so I needed to shape my persona to His liking…Fear that I would anger or frustrate God with my lack of faith talk…Fear of saying the wrong thing and messing up the odds of my prayers being answered…Fear that the Lord didn’t like my truth…that he didn’t like me…that his love was hanging in the balance.
What is the root of fear?
A lack of belief that I am loved. Perfect love casts out all fear. A lack of belief that I am fully accepted. They have been given the right to be called sons of God. The root of fear is not a lack of love but instead a lack of belief in being loved. If the core elements of being loved and being a son/daughter are not pervasive in our life, there will always be a substantial element of dysfunction in our conversation with God. We will never be fully honest with him and will convolute and complicate matters significantly if our heart is not anchored in the truths of love and sonship.
How could David say the things he said in the Psalms? He knew God wasn’t going anywhere. He knew God’s love was of such substance that he could bear the load of David’s lack. My prayer life has changed drastically over the last two years because I finally got it…my prayer life is not an appeasement for a God who is on the fence about me. My prayer life is not my vehicle for convincing God I am a worthwhile investment. My prayer life is me being honest…telling the truth (the good and the bad)…asking questions…resting in the confidence that He isn’t going anywhere. In light of this, I have found praying less cumbersome, more natural, more frequent, less compartmentalized, less obligatory…more fruitful.
Go ahead, tell Him the truth…who are we kidding? He already knows.